I always feel this kind of accomplishment whenever I wake up and realize that I didn't have a dream about him, which in turn gets me to start thinking about him. 
This morning I didn't have that feeling of accomplishment because I did have a dream with him in it. All I remember really is that we were happy. We were happy together. I don't know if we were in a relationship or friends or what, but.. that feeling of not having him here and me feeling sick to my stomach and head aching ect.. not a very good morning. 
Of course I would get sick amongst all of the stuff thats happening right now. Why wouldn't I? Why not add a few more things to help me feel miserable and stressed? (sarcasm implied) 
I found this quote off a picture on Facebook and it definitely describes my life right now. 
“Life has many
ways of testing 
a persons will,
either by having
nothing happen at
all or by having
everything happen
all at once.”
-Paulo Coelho
Talk about the truth. 
The worst thing about the situations happening around me is that I know that it had to be done, the decision needed to be made, but Im still wary and slightly depressed. Im trying not to be, but it feels like there are two parts of my brain; one telling me that everything going to be alright and all of it was for the best, and then another side telling me that everything going to shit which usually makes me depressed. 
I am trying so hard to just make myself strong and push through all of this, but now that my body has started to get sick as well.. its hard to stay strong in the fact that this’ll pass. 
I know it will, and I know there are better things to come (because thats how my life usually is). My life will just get harder and more disappointing and then something comes out of the wood works to help me be happy again. 
Thats what he was. He came out of no where after something very disappointing happened in my life. He made everything better and helped me see somethings that I had never realized before. He was the one who helped me out of the dark place I was in. He was the result of the saying “Things always happen for a reason.”.
I actually used to hate that saying, but after meeting him I finally understood it. 

I had just found out about the cast list for the summer show and found out I had not been cast. I had worked for months trying to be ready for this show, but was unsuccessful at landing a role. I had two different classes that I could choose from to take for my history credit, one was history to the 1600’s and the other was government. If I would have been cast in the show, I would have taken the government class, but because I wasent I had the opportunity to take the history class at night; the one I was more interested in anyway. Going to the class was a little nerve wracking though because it was a night class and I had never taken a night class before. Walking in the first day, I sat down and automatically showed that I wasn't afraid to talk up in class, automatically reacting and commenting to the teachers lecture. Facing the front of the class I could feel eyes on me. Turning I saw this guy, with a cowboy hat on the desk in front of him and his jeans and boots and everything.. just starring at me. He smiled then faced forward again. This was the start of what was going to be my first relationship. I didn't know then, but he was going to be my first love. 

All things happen for a reason. He broke up with me because he said he didn't feel the same way as he did before, which I understood because I could see it. 

So much more has happened but right now I don't feel like going in on the details, but all of it happened for a reason. To teach me something, to prepare me for the future, or to make me stronger. We will only see in time. Time will tell. 
Time might not truly heal the pain, but it will help lesson it. 
Everything happens for a reason. 


Talk about a punch in the face! Im driving to school from my parents house which is 30 minutes away from my school and.. flat tire. The one person who I want to call to come help me fix this problem..? Oh but of course.. ugh. 
But, triple A is coming soon and my father was willing to stop his plans to come get me and my friend from school would miss her class to come pick me up.. I have some amazing people on my side of the court.
Its still hurts though.. and when can a girl just get a break all ready?! 
Well technically I had one when I went to NC on the ski trip but... then I get back home and everything just comes back like.. like.. a punch in the face!
Its like that time I accidentally waked my self in the eye with a toilet seat when I had food poisoning! Purple and Black bruise just.. ugh. (told you my life was weird)
 But! Instead of me hitting myself with an toilet seat (which no one believed) its just the universe just waking me in the face with.. with.. a mallet! no a..a.. plank of wood. That works, because it feels like the hurt isn't healing because of all the splinters.. *sigh*
Oi. Where is this triple A person? I have class in... I had class Start 13 minutes ago! ...of course..
 Hello folks, Im the girl who has splinters in her face from the universe waking her with a plank of wood.. how yea doin.
Hopefully, things will start looking up soon. I applied for a few new jobs because my last job didn't really.. work out...
You know..? Universe? You could help me out a little by helping me with this job thing..? That would help me with all this pain. Well the whole no money thing, but hey, anything helps. 
I hope yall have more of a hit in the face with flowers and snow flakes, something soft and beautiful. More of less, I hope you have a good.. year. Yea, not just day. Year, years, everything. Please? For me?
Well, Im going to just sit here, listin to the frozen soundtrack and try to relax. 
I know the splinters will subside soon, pain does that. It docent just go away it just stops being as painful as it was at the start. 
“Pain may not vanish within time, but soon the splinters in your heart will subside with the passing days. Don't give up hope, someone will come along and help you with the pain. You are loved. Don't let your splintered heart forget that.” 
-Anna Vera


You Know what would be wonderful? A button that a person can just push when they want to stop thinking about something. I truly wish I had this button because this whole thinking thing really sucks. 
But this button could stop all kinds of thoughts, it could help fix the sick or the people with memories that bring them so much hurt.
3weeks today I had my breakup. Yup. I remember being so calm about it... all i wanted was for him to be happy. Now.. I just want to hide away, find a cave to snuggle in with my comforter and hulu plus and just escape the world around me. 
I know I sound completely ridiculous, but.. I was doing so much better realizing that it was over and that I just needed to move on. Then I watched a little video journal I made about his and I’s second date. Thats when it truly hit me that I was the only one really working at this relationship in the end. In the beginning he was the ideal guy, bringing flowers, calling, long dates, sad that he had to go..
..I was home alone all day because I wasn't feeling good, he was at his friends house all day, not doing anything. He didn't come to my house till 7 that night. He couldn't come to my final scenes performance because he was hungry and he always made excuses for not seeing me. 
In the start he wanted to see me. In the end.. I was a hassle. 
It kills me on the inside knowing that I was the only one that cared.. 
He told me that he would chase me if I ran (because I always ran away from guys and love), but in the end he was the one who ran. 
...
I want that button please. 
I want to memory of his eyes when they were full of warmth out of my head. I want his consoling touch and words erased. 
I just want this hurt to be gone. 
*click*
...
But sometimes we have to realize that with time there will be release. 
We wont have our pain erased, just our pain eased. 
With time his eyes will fade from my memory, his carelessness floating away.. the remembrance of his love.. just a thought that I used to know. 
Just let the hurt subside. please 


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. 
Love is a battle,
Love is a war;
love is growing up.”

Ok... firstly. I found this quote this morning because I woke up to another dream about him.. of course. Because.. i don't know, I guess he has no where else to be than in my dreams every freakin night.. ugh! 

Anyway, I wanted to look for a good love quote because one my friends from grade school had gotten about the “-love we deserve-” and I wanted to find one of my own. So I was looking at different quotes and many.. many were very gooey, but.. this one.. was just how I felt and how I feel. 

You can ask any of my friends, none of them saw me getting together with a country boy from my history class and no one saw the end of it either.. and.. neither did I.  Are you kidding, when i first saw this guy in his cowboy hat, jean, and boots.. automatic thought-dork. But then that dork became mine and then I lost him. 

But a lot happened in between that relationship as well. We went through so many different struggles of our own. 

Then I had a battle with my family because the past concerned them too much. Love is a war. 

Fighting to be together, fighting to stay together, and then realizing that we have to admit defeat and let the person leave in victory with no wounds to show or some hidden deep below. 

That love did help me grow though. I found my control in my acting, I found myself, my confidence... and one thing Ive never really had.. the realization that I may actually be.. beautiful, because someone actually saw it. Yes yes, friends say it and so does family but come one now... when do they ever count. ..Do I get an Amen!? 

Ive actually been trying to find a quote that works for me because I really want to get it into my mind that no matter what.. Love does exist. Love is real. Ive felt it and hopefully will feel it again in the future but.. love docent always start the way we think it does.. so I guess I can give up on the whole hope of my prince riding up in a truck with a four wheeler, skis, and an acting contract in the back... oh *sigh* 

But

Don't ever forget that Love is real. I was a skeptic and still am one in my mind but in my heart I know that its real.. it is. You just have to believe that it'll come out of no where. 


                

        you know. Its funny to think how a persons heart can heal and they can find another person. Knowing how much you cared for that person, how much you worried and wanted to be there for them always and then.. its gone. Somehow the heart can just move on and find another person to heal it, to protect it, to worry about it.. to care. I just had a break up, and no, it wasn't a huge horrible ordeal, it was just something that he felt. He fell out of love.. its so easy to write down but so hard to understand. How can ones heart fall so easily and just as quickly stand back up again. 
My first relationship lasted 6 months, I was 19 and I would never trade a moment. But its just so hard to understand the concept or.. reality? of ones heart actually falling in love with someone and just as easily.. just stop. It just mystifies me. Im sitting here typing away and my face is in this weird confused contorted expression. Oh how I bet the people around me wonder what I'm thinking. I just.. its a crazy thought. The heart is... ugh, its just so confusing to me. It wouldn't let me see these other boys who asked me out (and one of them i didn't and i am definitely glad about that, but still) what was so special about this one? When we first met it was in history class and I felt these eyes just staring at me. Turning my head I saw this boy.. just looking at me, with this smile and then he faced back forwards. What? What did i do? Its not like Im skinny or perfect in any way, why is he smiling at me? (and yes, thats how I thought and still do) but.. why did he.. what?? Then of course, he was the holding doors open and waiting after class for me, yes, let me repeat, for me. I did none of the look at me look at me thing, he just..did. Well, courtship happened and after a while, I felt this burning passion for him that I couldn't explain. “Never give up on someone you cant go a day without thinking about”... yea, I was to that point. I was ready to run, but “he would chase after me”. Yes, cheesy right, but.. it was true. Through out our relationship we went through our little communication problems and there were times where I thought we would just break up but.. he kept it alive.
But then.. he just fell out of love. Huh.. 
When we broke up that night I told him, if it was what he wanted then ok. I wasn't going to argue (with someone I cared so much for). No.. all I want is for his happiness. I let him out of the house and sat down on my couch and thought.. wow.. its actually over. I went to my room and collected all roses he had given me (dried by yours truly) put them in a bag, took him out of my ‘favorites’ on my phone removed the smiley face next to his name and went back to the living room. Not a single tear left my eye. This was for him. He needed this, I knew, I know he needs this. My friends were shocked when I told them but were even more shocked when they saw that I was calm.. calm.
The next morning I had a horrible dream about loosing my family and woke up and the only person I wanted to tell was him.. but he was not there anymore. Thats when it hit me. I sat up and wrote and wrote trying to understand why while tears after endless tears ran down my face.
That whole week, actually, month prior as well, was just going horribly and the only person I wanted was him. Thats when I realized.. love isn't just having a person there or having them physically or anything like that.. love is when you can only think of that one person, when you just want them to help you, to understand to... ok wait.. that might be a little obsessive.. yea.. try a lot. I mean friends are love as well. They are always there for you, and I definitely understand that concept (just ask my friends.. they know EVERYthing about me.. like.. dang) But the love I had for him was.. different. It was someone who understood me for me, who helped me when I was upset and calmed me down when I was stressed or hurt. He was different than my friends... I mean I love them and all but.. I don't really want to cuddle with them (no offense y'all) :p
But.. theres love everywhere.. Im on this trip with my family and few other families and I see it everywhere and thats whats helping me heal. It will be three weeks since we broke up on monday and.. you know.. it was for the best. Love is when you understand that the person you love dosent feel the same way and you just need to understand that.. their happiness needs to also be in this relationship and sometimes.. you just need to let the relationship go for them to be happy. 
One of the mothers here told me that I should just find another boy.. ohhh yea, the girl who didn't get a boyfriend before she was 19 and then had a 6 month relationship with a guy she loved and then have it end because he fell out of love.. yes, this little love skeptic can so just go out and find another guy... haha..no. But really, love is something that should be treasured its something that shows us that maybe.. just maybe this world isn't really that bad after all. Its that rose covered in thorns that came from a seed from the deep dark of its surroundings. Its something beautiful that I will never forget. 
ok... wow.. talk about rambling! 
His birthday is a day before mine and its coming up soon. I’m going give him his space to disappear into himself and then I'll tell him happy birthday. No matter what, I  care about this boy.. man/person/thing/boy.. :) He was my first love and dork :p he cared for me and I felt that from what he did, even at the end. He might have fallen out of love but he didn't stop caring, at least I was able to see that. But, I can do this. I have aril lavigne in my earbuds and such a wonderful bit of family and friends who support me. We will get our hearts broken and sometimes, we just need love to fix that. No. not another person! but family, friends, and just reflection. Love is not dead, trust me. I thought it was before I met him. He was my first love. And all the men in my future.. Im turning 20 soon and I had a wonderful first relationship, so there will of course be somethings that I will hope to fix in my future relationships (communication) but.. Im gonna be pretty hard to get (just putting that out there). Im a love skeptical and probably will be for the rest of my life.. the heart is just likes to be so stinking clumsy, but come now heart.. maybe you should just stay clumsy.. maybe it would be good for you..?
Brain: are you shitting me? hell no. I am already stressed out enough
Heart: but but, i mean.. love isent that bad
Brain:... do i need to remind you of last week.
Heart: point taken but-
Brain: no. 
Heart:... *wisper* well.. i guess Ill just be sneaky then.
Brain: what?
Heart: oh.. nothing :)
oh the heart.. never letting us have a moment of peace. Love is out there for everyone, don't ever think it isn't. I mean.. It found me!.. thats pretty crazy in my book. I might have lost that love but.. there just might be another out there somewhere, Ill just keep my heart guarded like i did before. when my brain and heart get together sometimes, they can be a pretty good team. The ying and the yang.
and maybe one day Ill find my own :)

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