you know. Its funny to think how a persons heart can heal and they can find another person. Knowing how much you cared for that person, how much you worried and wanted to be there for them always and then.. its gone. Somehow the heart can just move on and find another person to heal it, to protect it, to worry about it.. to care. I just had a break up, and no, it wasn't a huge horrible ordeal, it was just something that he felt. He fell out of love.. its so easy to write down but so hard to understand. How can ones heart fall so easily and just as quickly stand back up again.
My first relationship lasted 6 months, I was 19 and I would never trade a moment. But its just so hard to understand the concept or.. reality? of ones heart actually falling in love with someone and just as easily.. just stop. It just mystifies me. Im sitting here typing away and my face is in this weird confused contorted expression. Oh how I bet the people around me wonder what I'm thinking. I just.. its a crazy thought. The heart is... ugh, its just so confusing to me. It wouldn't let me see these other boys who asked me out (and one of them i didn't and i am definitely glad about that, but still) what was so special about this one? When we first met it was in history class and I felt these eyes just staring at me. Turning my head I saw this boy.. just looking at me, with this smile and then he faced back forwards. What? What did i do? Its not like Im skinny or perfect in any way, why is he smiling at me? (and yes, thats how I thought and still do) but.. why did he.. what?? Then of course, he was the holding doors open and waiting after class for me, yes, let me repeat, for me. I did none of the look at me look at me thing, he just..did. Well, courtship happened and after a while, I felt this burning passion for him that I couldn't explain. “Never give up on someone you cant go a day without thinking about”... yea, I was to that point. I was ready to run, but “he would chase after me”. Yes, cheesy right, but.. it was true. Through out our relationship we went through our little communication problems and there were times where I thought we would just break up but.. he kept it alive.
But then.. he just fell out of love. Huh..
When we broke up that night I told him, if it was what he wanted then ok. I wasn't going to argue (with someone I cared so much for). No.. all I want is for his happiness. I let him out of the house and sat down on my couch and thought.. wow.. its actually over. I went to my room and collected all roses he had given me (dried by yours truly) put them in a bag, took him out of my ‘favorites’ on my phone removed the smiley face next to his name and went back to the living room. Not a single tear left my eye. This was for him. He needed this, I knew, I know he needs this. My friends were shocked when I told them but were even more shocked when they saw that I was calm.. calm.
The next morning I had a horrible dream about loosing my family and woke up and the only person I wanted to tell was him.. but he was not there anymore. Thats when it hit me. I sat up and wrote and wrote trying to understand why while tears after endless tears ran down my face.
That whole week, actually, month prior as well, was just going horribly and the only person I wanted was him. Thats when I realized.. love isn't just having a person there or having them physically or anything like that.. love is when you can only think of that one person, when you just want them to help you, to understand to... ok wait.. that might be a little obsessive.. yea.. try a lot. I mean friends are love as well. They are always there for you, and I definitely understand that concept (just ask my friends.. they know EVERYthing about me.. like.. dang) But the love I had for him was.. different. It was someone who understood me for me, who helped me when I was upset and calmed me down when I was stressed or hurt. He was different than my friends... I mean I love them and all but.. I don't really want to cuddle with them (no offense y'all) :p
But.. theres love everywhere.. Im on this trip with my family and few other families and I see it everywhere and thats whats helping me heal. It will be three weeks since we broke up on monday and.. you know.. it was for the best. Love is when you understand that the person you love dosent feel the same way and you just need to understand that.. their happiness needs to also be in this relationship and sometimes.. you just need to let the relationship go for them to be happy.
One of the mothers here told me that I should just find another boy.. ohhh yea, the girl who didn't get a boyfriend before she was 19 and then had a 6 month relationship with a guy she loved and then have it end because he fell out of love.. yes, this little love skeptic can so just go out and find another guy... haha..no. But really, love is something that should be treasured its something that shows us that maybe.. just maybe this world isn't really that bad after all. Its that rose covered in thorns that came from a seed from the deep dark of its surroundings. Its something beautiful that I will never forget.
ok... wow.. talk about rambling!
His birthday is a day before mine and its coming up soon. I’m going give him his space to disappear into himself and then I'll tell him happy birthday. No matter what, I care about this boy.. man/person/thing/boy.. :) He was my first love and dork :p he cared for me and I felt that from what he did, even at the end. He might have fallen out of love but he didn't stop caring, at least I was able to see that. But, I can do this. I have aril lavigne in my earbuds and such a wonderful bit of family and friends who support me. We will get our hearts broken and sometimes, we just need love to fix that. No. not another person! but family, friends, and just reflection. Love is not dead, trust me. I thought it was before I met him. He was my first love. And all the men in my future.. Im turning 20 soon and I had a wonderful first relationship, so there will of course be somethings that I will hope to fix in my future relationships (communication) but.. Im gonna be pretty hard to get (just putting that out there). Im a love skeptical and probably will be for the rest of my life.. the heart is just likes to be so stinking clumsy, but come now heart.. maybe you should just stay clumsy.. maybe it would be good for you..?
Brain: are you shitting me? hell no. I am already stressed out enough
Heart: but but, i mean.. love isent that bad
Brain:... do i need to remind you of last week.
Heart: point taken but-
Brain: no.
Heart:... *wisper* well.. i guess Ill just be sneaky then.
Brain: what?
Heart: oh.. nothing :)
oh the heart.. never letting us have a moment of peace. Love is out there for everyone, don't ever think it isn't. I mean.. It found me!.. thats pretty crazy in my book. I might have lost that love but.. there just might be another out there somewhere, Ill just keep my heart guarded like i did before. when my brain and heart get together sometimes, they can be a pretty good team. The ying and the yang.
and maybe one day Ill find my own :)
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